Return to "Beckett's Rules: IV Beckett's Justice"
Title: Beckett's Rules of Discipline IV: Beckett's Justice

Author: Taylor Dancinghands -taylor@willendorphians.com

Characters: Beckett/Zelenka/McKay

Category: slash, h/c, BDSM

Rating: 'PG-17'

Archive: Generally yes, but please let me know where

Summary: Rodney is convinced that he's screwed up irrevocably, after the events in "Trinity", but he's forgotten that there are ways of setting things right in his new relationship.

Spoilers/Season: Season 2: "Trinity"

Author's notes: This is the fourth in a series of episode based stories, where Carson and Radek, and then eventually Rodney are in a BDSM relationship. They will follow the series, and run in sequence, but each should also mostly stand alone.

Betas: Thanks, as usual, to my faithful Beta ankhmutes for taking time in her truly busy life, to help me out with my spelling errors, and validating my characterizations. Also to mice1900 for cheering from the wings.

Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, never will, not claiming to. Just wanna play with 'em a little. Can't I, can't I, huh?




Language/pronunciation notes: For some reason it's become important to me that y'all know how some of the words Radek is saying *sound*. In particular, the word 'pane' -which means 'sir'- has two syllables and is pronounced (more or less) pan-eh. Also, when we eventually get to it, 'milacku' (in which the 'c' is *supposed* to have a hachek over top of it -which gives it a 'ch' sound) is pronounced (again, more or less) MIL-ach-ku. Proper native speakers, please feel free to jump in and comment.


Beckett's Rules of Discipline IV:

Beckett's Justice

Curled miserably on his bed in his darkened room, Rodney had hoped to avoid any more unpleasant fallout from the Project Arcturus debacle, for now at least, but the knock on his door was proof that there was to be no escape for him, even here.

"Excuse me, but I think I've endured enough abuse for today," he called out loudly, "so if you feel you really must heap more recriminations on the pile, you can either wait until tomorrow, or you can do it from out there."

"Rodney!" God no, it was Carson. Rodney groaned quietly and pulled the pillow over his head; Carson Beckett was the very last person Rodney wanted to face today.

"Rodney, you'll either let me in or I'll let myself in, but I'm not saying what I have to say out here, and it's not waiting till tomorrow."

Rodney said nothing, knowing that nothing he could say would make a difference, and sure enough, there was the sound of his door opening and footsteps approaching. "Look," he said, still facing the wall, not daring to meet Carson's eyes, "I know I've ruined everything. It's what I do. I'll come and get my things tomorrow, or you can just leave them out in the hall if that's easier. I know Radek doesn't want to see me."

There was silence, and then the bed dipped with Carson's weight as he sat, and a hand, heavy and firm, descended on Rodney's shoulder. "Are ye giving up on us already, then?" Carson asked.

"Oh, come on," Rodney said, trying hard to keep his voice steady, because Carson sounded like there might be something to hope for, even though Rodney knew there couldn't be and that hoping would just make everything worse. "Tell me there's any reason not to. Tell me Radek doesn't hate my guts now."

"Aye, he is a bit put out with you at the moment," said Carson, his serious tone belying the lightness of his words. "But that doesn't mean we want to be done with you for good and all. We just need to find a way to make things right between us again."

"How in god's name can I do that?" Rodney plead, despairing. "I can't take back what I said, no matter how much I wish I could. What I said, what I've done… I can't undo that. There's nothing I could possibly say. I broke it, and I can't fix it. I wish to god I could, but I can't."

"Not with words alone, no, likely not," agreed Carson. "But there are means we have, that go beyond words, as you well know, lad." Carson's grip on his shoulder grew tighter, and his hand heavier, and Rodney realized with dismay what it was that Carson was talking about.

There were still plenty of mornings that Rodney looked at himself in the mirror and asked himself what the hell he had gotten into with Radek and Carson. That he had joined into an intimate relationship with two other men was weird enough, but then there was the Dominance and submission stuff… and the fact that he had found himself taking a submissive role, and loving every minute of it.

It was still surprising him, and nearly every week he found Carson leading him even deeper into the joys of submission –-had him doing things which, when considered in the cold light of day, seemed downright horrifying. Even so, Carson had never yet punished him, and though Rodney found watching Carson punish Radek more than a little arousing, he remained reluctant to submit himself to such treatment. Carson had never before insisted either, but now, it seemed, that was about to change.

"How," he finally murmured, "how does that change what I've done? How does it make it any better?"

"Ye can't change the past, lad," said Carson, hand still firm on his shoulder, "ye've said so yourself, but you can choose to commit yourself to one particular future. A future for you that has Radek and me in it wants a commitment of trust from you. If you trust us enough to place yourself in our hands, knowing what's like to come, then you'll have us in your future. If that's what you want."

"Oh god," Rodney moaned quietly. Strangely, he feared rekindling his hope more than he feared the pain and humiliation of Carson' punishment, but that was a matter of trust too, and that was what was really being asked of him.

Carson's grip on his shoulder tightened almost painfully for a moment and then was gone as he stood up from the bed. "I know we've given you time to think on things in the past," he said, "but this needs to be dealt with now, so it'll be tonight or not at all."

"What!?" Rodney turned at last to look up at Carson, little more than a large shadow in his darkened room.

"Aye, you heard me," he answered. "Ye know enough now to understand what's to be done, and what's at stake. If you want to make things right, we'll see you at my quarters tonight, at eight o'clock sharp. Have ye any other questions?"

"No…" Rodney muttered. "You've made yourself quite clear."

He watched as Carson's shadowed bulk moved towards the door and then paused at the threshold, turning back to gaze at him. "I know you think things can't be mended between you and Radek, and ye have hurt him, that's true," he said. "But you'll break his heart if you give up on us now." Carson's shadow became a silhouette as the door opened as he moved toward it, but then he turned once more, and little more than whispered, "and ye'll likely break mine as well, ye know."

*****

In his nervousness, Rodney naturally arrived at Carson's quarters at almost two minutes till eight, and so waited in the corridor like an idiot, anxiously watching the seconds tick by on his watch, until it showed eight o'clock precisely. There'd been no choice, really, though he'd lain in bed long after Carson had left, struggling with the two realities that seemed to present themselves to him.

It all came down to whether Carson and Radek would be hurt more by his leaving or by his staying. In the matter of personal relationships, Rodney were pretty well convinced by now that he was way more trouble than he was worth. He knew himself too well, and knew without a doubt that, even if Carson and Radek really forgave him this time, he was bound to screw up again at some point in the future and be the cause of further grief in their lives.

Carson's earlier words, however, clearly showed that he thought otherwise and, for reasons Rodney could not fathom, he seemed to believe that he and Radek would both be happier having Rodney in their lives than not. Obviously, one of them had to be mistaken, and though while Rodney generally gave his own opinion greater weight in most instances, this wasn't a matter of physics or engineering or anything quantifiable. This was, instead, about people, and feelings, two things about which, even Rodney had to admit, he understood almost nothing.

All that left him was trust, and while this was a patently stupid thing in science, Rodney had come to understand that it was a vital component in personal relationships. It was what was wanted to mend this one, Carson had made that clear enough –-trust that they knew Rodney and wanted him anyway, and trust that he would be safe in their hands. It was a big thing –-a huge thing, honestly-- but altogether just and fair in the light of Rodney's recent behavior.

It was the idea of justice that won Rodney over in the end. This was something that Rodney understood well; physics is all about natural consequences, after all. It was to accept the consequences of his actions that he came to Carson's quarters at the appointed time, knowing that, having made this one last choice, his fate would be in other's hands from the moment he stepped through the door. He was properly terrified, but at the same time some part of him was already at peace, knowing that justice would be fulfilled.

He knocked on the door at eight o'clock precisely, and it opened to reveal Carson, who looked him over solemnly before inviting him in with a gesture. Eyes darting around the small space anxiously, he spotted Radek, sitting slumped on the sofa. He glanced briefly up at Rodney in return, eyes narrowing with icy hostility. Rodney swallowed unhappily, then looked across at Carson's more neutral countenance to speak.

"Well," he said, a trifle unsteadily. "Here I am, like you asked."

Carson nodded. "Are you here to accept your punishment?" he asked, without preamble.

Rodney swallowed again, hard, but he was just as happy to get on with things. "Yes," he said, arms wrapped protectively around himself. "I'm… I'm here for my punishment."

Feeling Radek's frigid gaze burning on his skin, Rodney glanced back at the scientist sitting on the sofa to find him frowning in his direction. "I did not think you would come," he said, and Rodney found himself flinching, as though he had been struck.

"Radek," Carson's voice was sharp, possibly even reprimanding. "You can go and get your collar now, and you can hold your tongue as well, until I say otherwise."

Subsiding a bit, Radek rose to do as he was told and Carson beckoned Rodney over to sit with him on the sofa.

"Before we get started, Rodney," Carson began, "I want to make some things clear. Because I've never punished you before, I don't really know what you can take. That means it's up to you to let me know if it's too much. Please tell me your safeword again."

"Lemon," said Rodney, knowing that Carson was reminding him as much as himself.

"Now I want you to use it, Rodney," Carson said, seriously, "if it gets to be too much. I know you may think you need to do this for us, but what I want you to understand is that just by coming here, you've shown us your trust. That's what's important –-not how much pain you can endure."

Rodney nodded, though he wasn't really sure he would know the difference between any pain and too much. His anxious reverie was broken by the sensation of Carson, firmly gripping his chin.

"I'm serious, Rodney," he said, he gaze dark and very direct. "Promise me you'll use your safe word and put a stop to things if it's more than you can bear."

"I… I promise, Carson," Rodney said, a bit startled by his vehemence.

"Good," said Carson, standing and pulling Rodney up with him. "Now, are you ready to begin, lad?"

"Honestly, no," said Rodney with a shaky smile, "but I made my choice when I came here tonight, so we might as well get on with it."

"Fair enough," said Carson, with just a touch of affection in his voice. Standing close, he let his hand linger on Rodney's shoulder for a long moment. "*I* knew you'd come," he said softly, "and I do love you for it."

Rodney felt Carson's lips brush his cheek as he stepped back and Rodney swallowed, reminded suddenly of *why* he'd come. It gave him the strength to meet Radek's eyes as he reentered the room, collared and somewhat subdued, but his eyes were downcast now, and did not look up to meet Rodney's gaze.

"I think we're ready to begin then, lads," Carson said, all authority once more. "Please tell us again, Rodney, why are you here?"

"I'm here to be punished," Rodney said, knowing the ritual well, though he had never taken this role before.

"And what is it you're to be punished for?"

This Rodney was more than prepared for, as the litany of his failures had been echoing inside his head all of their own for over a day now. It was almost a relief to have them out in the open at last.

"For… for arrogance, and hubris… and thinking I knew better than the Ancients," he began with the easiest one. Carson nodded, waiting for him to go on, for there was quite a bit more, they both knew.

"For… betraying the trust of a friend," he continued, wincing at the memory of Sheppard's words to him in the corridor earlier today. Carson nodded once again, his gaze impassive.

"For… carelessness, with the… with the lives of my staff," and wasn't that the unpleasant truth? Rodney swallowed to keep his voice steady, "and with… with my own life as well." Carson's nod this time was deep and slow. He was getting somewhere, then. Rodney took courage from this and forged ahead into the really ugly stuff.

"For… for inexcusable behavior towards… towards friends –good friends- who were just trying to keep me from killing myself." Out of the corner of his eye Rodney could see Radek lift his head, but now he lacked the courage to face him. "And for… for lashing out at people to cover up the fact that I was afraid… afraid of being wrong… afraid of screwing up… afraid that I'd already screwed up, big time…" Rodney was having a hard time keeping his voice steady, and couldn't even look up at Carson now, but there was one more thing.

"And for… destroying things that were far beyond my ability to ever put back again… things I probably never should have been fooling with in the first place." Rodney stopped himself there, though the self-recriminating voices in his head had a lot more to add, they were more general complaints, and Rodney figured it best to stick to things pertaining to the recent incident.

Staring at his hands where they nervously clasped each other over his waist, Rodney waited in silence for a long moment. Finally, Carson spoke.

"Aye, I think that'll do," he said, then turned to Radek, regarding him soberly. "Now it's clear, Radek, that some of what Rodney's spoken about pertains directly to you," he said, "so you'll have some say in his punishment."

"Ano, pane," answered Radek, eyes still downcast.

"What would you have him take, then?" Carson asked, lifting Radek's chin so that their eyes met, "for his disservice to you?"

*****

What indeed?

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