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"Thresholds" Chapter 11
Title: On Thresholds, and Passing Through Them, Ch. 11

Author: Taylor Dancinghands -taylor@willendorphians.com

Category: slash, h/c, foursome, fake character death

Pairings/Characters: McKay/Beckett, Sheppard/Zelenka, and then, Beckett/Sheppard/Zelenka, and then McKay/Beckett/Sheppard/Zelenka, eventually, also passing implications of Teyla/Ronon, and Weir and Lorne appear as well

Rating: NC 17

Archive: Generally yes, but please let me know where

Summary: Rodney McKay's apparent death tears an enormous hole in the lives of many on Atlantis, especially his lover, Carson Beckett. It seems only natural when Carson turns to Radek and John for comfort, even when the three of them grow closer than expected. Then, their new, fragile equilibrium becomes threataned, by what ought to be the best possible news, for Rodney McKay is not dead at all...

Spoilers/Season: Possible minor references to episodes through season 3.


Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, never will, not claiming to. Just wanna play with 'em a little. Can't I, can't I, huh?




On Thresholds and Passing Through Them

by Taylor Dancinghands

Chapter 11


Rodney had done quite a lot of sleeping in the infirmary, and while he was still kind of tired a lot, and good sex (and this had been *great* sex) usually did relax him into dozing for a while, Rodney did not fall asleep right away that evening. It was troubling to think of Carson sleeping alone in this bed for six weeks, considering how much he'd missed Carson just having been cooped up in the infirmary for a week.

Combing his fingers idly through his sleeping lover's tousled hair, Rodney asked himself whether he would have preferred enduring 6 weeks of thinking his lover was dead, rather than the half an hour or so of sheer terror and being pretty damned convinced that he was a dead man, that he'd experienced. Really, there was no question. He couldn't imagine how badly he'd have fallen apart if he'd thought Carson was dead, and could imagine even less managing to live his life without the man for six whole weeks.

That Carson had found some way to go on all that time only raised him in Rodney's estimation, though he wondered, if more time had gone by, if Carson would finally have found someone else to be with. Rodney almost surprised himself to find himself hoping that he would. Carson shouldn't be alone, and if he was dead then he certainly had no claim. Rodney was fully aware of his insecurities (he had no doubt that if he ever lost Carson, he would never again meet anyone willing to put up with him; of that he was certain) but he didn't exactly think of himself as the jealous type either. He definitely had no truck with anyone who believed that they ought to have some sort of claim on a lover after their own death.

If he didn't believe in a life after death -and Rodney had just never been able to believe in anything of the sort- then insisting that a lover remain faithful after death was just plain stupid... and selfish too. Rodney knew he could be selfish as well, but not where Carson was concerned, somehow. Carson just brought out the better things in him... things he hadn't ever known he had at all, and he just had to let those more noble impulses call the shots where Carson was concerned.

There was a gust of warm breath against Rodney's shoulder as Carson sighed in his sleep, and Rodney tilted his head to press his lips against his lover's forehead. There were new creases there, Rodney noted, and new lines around his eyes -all signs that Carson had been suffering in Rodney's absence. Well, if Carson had made him any kind of a better person, Rodney vowed, then Carson would reap the fruits of it now. He would lavish every ounce of affection he had on his lover, and even if he was unlikely to ever really forget how awful the past six weeks had been, at least he'd also remember how attentive Rodney had been afterward.

It wasn't much, Rodney allowed as he finally dozed off, but it was all he had.

**


Rodney woke feeling the scratch of whiskers against his shoulder, and warm hands roaming gently over his body.

"Still here..." he heard Carson whisper sleepily against he throat.

"Said I would be," Rodney answered him, kissing his face.

"One of these days I'll stop expecting it to be a dream, I promise," Carson murmured a little sheepishly, but Rodney only smiled and pulled him into a lazy hug.

"'S'okay," he said. "You're entitled."

There followed some half awake and almost erotic touching, and for a while Rodney thought a little morning sex might be in the offing, but something seemed to be troubling Carson -something new- which had Rodney utterly mystified, but which he knew he would have to be patient to hear about. Patience he could do, he told himself firmly, and finally Carson drew back to meet his eyes directly, drawing a breath of the sort that always presaged difficult news. Rodney steeled himself.

"There's something I need to talk to you about, Rodney love," Carson began, and Rodney swallowed and tried to freeze the expression on his face so as to hide his quickly rising sense of panic. "It's nothing about my feelings having changed in any way," Carson continued without pause, "because they haven't -not one bit, I promise you." He reached out to take both Rodney's arms in his hands, gripping them firmly -showing the strength of his feelings and grounding Rodney at the same time.

Rodney felt the burgeoning panic retreat, but there was no shaking the anxiety that remained. No conversation topic that had to be introduced in such a way boded well for any relationship, Rodney was convinced, and the worried, almost guilty look on Carson's face wasn't helping any.

"Okay," he replied to Carson's assurance, because, yes, that did allay a lot off fears, but so many more remained. Rodney was way too good at finding things to fear.

"It's... complicated," Carson went on, biting his lip, "and that's why I want us to get up and have a bit of breakfast before I go any further with it, alright?"

"And I'm supposed to have an apatite now?" Rodney complained, but he sat up all the same, throwing off the covers and casting about the room for his clothes.

"You've always an apatite for coffee, love," Carson answered, smiling mildly as he got out of bed as well. "I'd have you back in the infirmary in a blink if you ever said you didn't."

"Yes, yes, yes," Rodney groused, shuffling towards the bath. "My reputation precedes me. So does my reek, and so rather than spoiling your breakfast I'm going to go shower first."

Rodney heard Carson chuckle his thanks as the door closed behind him, and reflected that there didn't seem to be any tension between them despite Carson's impending 'complicated' news. Rodney could not help wracking his brain to try and figure out what it could be as he showered, but he came up with nothing. He knew he'd find out soon enough, so he tried to put it out of his mind till then, focusing instead on the smell of the coffee that Carson was just brewing.

The man was right, of course. A Rodney McKay who had lost the desire for coffee was a Rodney McKay who had lost the will to live, and Rodney had a lot of damned fine stuff going on in his life just now. The odor of coffee just seemed to bring it all back to him and, after all, one of the truly nice things going on in his life right now was that he was just about to have his first cup of coffee in a couple of weeks.

Carson even put it right into hands the moment he stepped into the 'kitchen' corner of their living quarters.

"Carson, I take back everything bad I ever said about you last week in the infirmary, I swear," Rodney said, savoring the brew that Carson had learned to make just the way he liked it.

"Did you say anything bad about me in the infirmary last week, love?" Carson asked, all innocence. "Oddly, I don't recall it."

Rodney grinned into his coffee mug. He knew he'd been the same irascible bastard he always was when a patient, but Carson had gotten much too good at ignoring him. "Selective hearing," he muttered. "Sure sign of... something."

The coffee lifted his spirits so, Rodney even let Carson talk him into a bowl of some muesli sort of stuff, made from local ingredients -which was better than Rodney would have guessed- with milk reconstituted from powder -which was just as expected. The origins of the various ingredients in the muesli made a good, uncontroversial conversation topic until they'd both finished and were lingering over their second cups of respective hot beverage, when they both fell into a somewhat awkward silence.

"So..." Rodney finally succumbed to the desire to get it all over with. "This... um, complicated thing...?"

"Aye," said Carson with a sigh. "Alright then." He fiddled with his teaspoon for a second, then drew a breath and began.

"I can't imagine how it must be for you, knowing everyone really believed you were dead... knowing I believed you were dead... But we did... I did, and..." Carson looked up to meet his eyes for a moment, and then looked away again, and Rodney saw the guilt there again. What in god's name could Carson have to feel guilty about?

"We've never talked, you and I," Carson continued, stammering a little. "About... about if one of us should die... What we wanted... for the other, I mean... how soon we each thought..."

So that was it. The question Rodney had posed himself last night wasn't a 'what if' after all, it seemed. As vast and capable as Rodney's mind was, that took a moment to sink in. Carson had been with someone else. Of course, Rodney reminded himself sharply, he'd had every right to be. He'd had every reason to believe that Rodney was dead, so why shouldn't he? And if he was feeling guilty about that, well he needn't, and Rodney became immediately determined that Carson not feel one shred of guilt about it.

About seeking solace in the arms of another lover.

Even as he was reaching across the table to lay his hand on Carson's arm, offering affirmation and comfort, Rodney felt that second surge of unwanted feeling. He wasn't a jealous person; he wasn't! But the thought of Carson touching someone else the way Carson had touched him... Rodney wasn't sure what he felt about it, but it was nothing to do with logic or reasonableness, and it wasn't happy.

"You had no possible way of knowing I might not be dead," Rodney forged ahead, hand firmly grasping Carson's arm. "If you... if you were... with... someone else..."

Slowly, Carson nodded his confirmation, and whatever it was that Rodney wasn't certain
what to call it, it lodged in his throat and he had to swallow hard to keep it back.

"Carson, I have no hold on you from beyond the grave," Rodney said, going for earnest in spite of his conflicted feelings. "And I don't want one." Taking Carson's hand between his two, Rodney tried to hold his gaze, while at the same time hoping like hell that Carson wouldn't see the feelings he had no name for, because somehow he didn't think it would make Carson feel any better.

"Hell, Carson, I thought I was dead..." he continued, "and... and I have no idea what it took for you to get by after that, but if there was someone else you needed at that point, well I... I'm glad they were there." And that was all god's honest truth, Rodney knew, it just wasn't the whole of it.

"Thank you, love," Carson said softly, curling his fingers around Rodney's. "I figured it likely that you'd say as much, because you're a good man, but it's still hard saying it, and I see it's not so easy hearing it either, is it?"

Damn the man's perception, Rodney thought, frowning at Carson's words. "It doesn't matter," he said a moment later, shaking his head. "I mean... yes, it... it feels weird, okay? But so does knowing everyone thought I was dead. But you didn't do anything wrong, Carson, and neither did I. And that's... that's what has to matter, right?"

Carson looked like he wanted to argue the point for a moment, but then he frowned thoughtfully for a moment and looked up at Rodney with a resolved nod. "Aye, you're right," he said. "My feelings are all a-jumble for sure, but that doesn't mean I don't know good sense when I hear it." He gave Rodney a watery smile and Rodney was around the table in a flash, guiding Carson over to the sofa where he sat with him, holding him close.

Carson clung to him like a limpet, and Rodney knew he'd done the right thing, bringing him over to the sofa. They sat together for a little bit without speaking -saying the things that words failed to convey adequately instead, until Carson drew a long breath, pulling himself together a bit.

"You've a right not to know," Carson began again finally, "who it was, if you'd rather not, but you've a right to know as well, if you prefer. It'll be however you like."

Rodney gave a thoughtful sigh, fingers teasing through the feathers of hair at the back of Carson's neck. "How many other people know?" he asked eventually.

"We told no one," Carson answered, "though it's likely Teyla and Ronon figured it out... and it's possible that Elizabeth's guessed as well."

"No, I suppose I'd just as soon know," Rodney said with another sigh, "otherwise it'll wind up that half my staff will have figured it out and I won't have. I swear this city floats on gossip."

"Aye it's like a wee village that way," Carson said with a wisp of a smile that faded a second later. "It was... I was with John and Radek, Rodney. That's who... that's who it was."

It was odd, that Rodney distinctly remembered thinking, 'does not compute,' for a whole second. John and Radek were together, and if the steamy looks Rodney noticed passing between the two of them as they were visiting him in the infirmary were any indicator, that hadn't changed at all. Had they 'taken turns' with Carson because they were feeling sorry for him or something? That didn't sound like Sheppard or Zelenka, or Carson for that matter. Had all three of them...?

"John and Radek?" he finally asked, because any further speculation was just going to send him right around the bend.

"Aye, well, yes..." Oh my god, the man was blushing beet red, Rodney noted with amazement. "It was all," Carson gestured inclusively, "all... three of us... together."

"At the same time?" Rodney clarified, because no way... really...

"Aye," Carson sighed, "at the same time."

The heat that Rodney could practically feel radiating from Carson's face was finding a home in him, somewhat further south. He should not be thinking how hot the idea was. He should be thinking about...

"I, ah... had idea you were... into... that kind of thing?" Rodney finally asked.

"I'm not!" Carson protested. "I mean, I'm not usually. I've never done anything like that before, and really, when it started, it was almost an accident... in a way..."

"An... accident?" Rodney's incredulity was reaching a breaking point. This was where the whole house of cards fell apart, surely. This was where he realized that he was still underwater and that the stasis chamber was failing and he was finally dying after hallucinating all the preceding due to oxygen deprivation...

"They had me come over and sleep on their sofa, because I couldn't sleep in our bed, and Teyla and Ronon wouldn't let me sleep on our sofa," Carson was babbling now and Rodney was barely able to make sense of it. "But then I woke up in the middle of the night crying again..." Wait... what? Crying? Again?

"And Radek woke up and said I should come sleep with them, and I just... I just needed someone to hold me and he did... they both did..." Carson had been waking up in the middle of the night crying? Rodney knew it hadn't been easy for his lover, but the picture that the words invoked made Rodney's heart hurt.

"Carson..." he tried softly, but the man was still lost in his panicked narrative.

"We just slept that night, Rodney. I swear that was all we meant, but in the morning... in the morning," Carson's voice faltered and Rodney realized with dismay that he was crying again.

"Aye, I suppose I did start it," Carson's voice was thick with shame. "But the others, John and Radek, they were eager enough once I'd started. They didn't want me to stop, and so I didn't... we didn't... and I'm sorry love, but I was just so lonely..."

"Carson..." Rodney grabbed him hard, almost shaking him a little. "Carson, it's okay. You don't have to be sorry; you don't. I'm glad they were there for you... I'm glad it was them..."

And he was, Rodney realized with amazement as he pulled Carson in close. Knowing who it was, and how it had happened made everything different. It wasn't some stranger Carson had gone to for comfort, but the two people Rodney trusted almost as much as he did Carson. Instead of the slightly creepy, uncomfortable feeling he'd had about Carson being with someone else, Rodney found that now he was kind of... well, turned on... just a bit, by the whole idea.

"You really are, aren't you?" Carson asked a moment later, wiping his face with the back of his hand and sniffling slightly.

"Sorry..." Rodney shook himself from his reverie. "Really am what?"

"Glad it was them," Carson clarified. "I can tell. And you know, they were nearly as undone as I was, thinking you were gone. We all really needed each other just then, and I don't suppose I'm really sorry that we found each other."

"Well you... you shouldn't be," Rodney replied almost automatically, his brain still in turmoil over this development and the bewildering variety of feelings it invoked in him. "You were... taking care of each other... because you're good friends, and that's... that's a good thing."

Looking back to meet Carson's eyes, checking to see that he had his facts straight, Rodney spotted a flash of unease in the man's expression. It seemed there was more.

"But that's not all it was, was it?" Brilliant he might be, but Rodney was completely out of his depth now, and making his way forward, step by step like this, just seemed to be leading him deeper.


~****~

Next, Rodney goes further down the rabbit hole...