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"Thresholds" Chapter 12
Title: On Thresholds, and Passing Through Them, Ch. 12

Author: Taylor Dancinghands -taylor@willendorphians.com

Category: slash, h/c, foursome, fake character death

Pairings/Characters: McKay/Beckett, Sheppard/Zelenka, and then, Beckett/Sheppard/Zelenka, and then McKay/Beckett/Sheppard/Zelenka, eventually, also passing implications of Teyla/Ronon, and Weir and Lorne appear as well

Rating: NC 17

Archive: Generally yes, but please let me know where

Summary: Rodney McKay's apparent death tears an enormous hole in the lives of many on Atlantis, especially his lover, Carson Beckett. It seems only natural when Carson turns to Radek and John for comfort, even when the three of them grow closer than expected. Then, their new, fragile equilibrium becomes threataned, by what ought to be the best possible news, for Rodney McKay is not dead at all...

Spoilers/Season: Possible minor references to episodes through season 3.


Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, never will, not claiming to. Just wanna play with 'em a little. Can't I, can't I, huh?




On Thresholds and Passing Through Them

by Taylor Dancinghands

Chapter 12

"We none of us thought it would last," Carson confirmed, his eyes downcast. "But as time went on and it all still felt... right, somehow... I think we were all beginning to wonder if this might be how it was for us... And then we found you alive... and we haven't really talked since, the three of us."

What a mess. Rodney stared down at where his and Carson's hands were joined, and Rodney thought it significant that while he and Carson were having frequent difficulties with meeting each other's eyes in this conversation, they were both clutching at each other's hands like a lifeline. He decided that this was, overall, likely a good sign, and forged ahead with the next difficult question.

"So..." he began, finding he had to work to push each word out, "you, ah... you still have... feelings...?"

"Rodney, love," Carson's grip became crushing and though he could feel the man's gaze burning on his face, Rodney couldn't quite make himself look up. "I know it's got to be hard to wrap your head around... bloody hell, it's hard for me! But no matter what I feel about anyone else, what I feel about you... it hasn't changed. I do love you, Rodney, with all my heart, and I always will. Ye must never doubt that."

Rodney nodded. "I know," he said softly. And he did. He really did. For all his many and familiar insecurities, Rodney had always felt secure in Carson's affections, though he could not explain why. It was why he'd allowed himself to be drawn into a relationship with the man at the start.

Carson drew a breath that sounded both relieved and steadying. "But it's true that I do still have feelings -more than friendship- for both of them," he said at last, "and I've begun to wonder if there might have been a potential for that, or more, for some long time."

Rodney gave himself some time to let that sink in, and Carson seemed content to give him that time. God, there was so much this might mean... or might not mean... and Rodney hardly knew where to start, until one fact surfaced with a bit more immediacy than the others.

"If you haven't had a chance to talk..." he wondered aloud, "with John and Radek, I mean... then you haven't really... settled... I mean... it doesn't seem right..."

"No," Carson shook his head, but then looked up at Rodney, who did meet his gaze this time, with such gratitude, and Rodney could see that much of the guilt had dissipated too. "We've... I've assumed that things would go back to how they were... but this just isn't a contingency we'd discussed..."

"You discussed contingencies?" Rodney inquired.

"Aye, of course," Carson explained. "We really didn't expect it to last, love. We figured that I might find someone else, or just need to go back to being alone for a bit, or that John and Radek might eventually decide that they wished to go back to being an exclusive couple... You'll understand that finding you alive again wasn't one of the things we thought likely enough to plan for."

No, of course not, Rodney reflected with a rueful smile. "You did say it was complicated..." he mused.

"Aye, that I did." Carson's answering smile was no less rueful, but it was a smile just the same and Rodney was pleased to see it. "And I probably shouldn't tell you this," Carson continued, his smile growing even more rueful. "But there is a possible answer in something that Radek said, our first time together... I just want you to promise, Rodney, that you won't think of this as something we expect of you, and that you'll take your time thinking about it."

"Um... okay," Rodney replied, not at all certain where this was going to lead, except almost certainly further down the rabbit hole that had become his life lately.

"What he said," Carson began. "When I asked them why... you know, because I didn't want it to be about them feeling sorry for me..."

"Right," Rodney nodded to let Carson know he was still following him.

"Well what Radek said, in answer, was that he thought that we should have done it before, and... and that it should have been the four of us. That was the reason he gave, and John agreed..."

Rodney could feel his eyes grow big as saucers. "What... you mean with me?" he sputtered eventually. "He said he thought that there should have been you three and me? All at once? In the same bed? And John agreed?" His voice had pitched up, by the end, into that slightly hysterical register Rodney hated but couldn't seem to suppress, and he winced.

"Well... aye, that's more or less the gist of it," Carson said, doing a stand-up job of keeping a straight face, Rodney was relieved to see. "But Rodney, love, you mustn't think this is something we assume you'll want, or that you need to make any kind of quick decision about. It was as much wishful thinking as anything, seeing as none of us thought we'd ever see you again."

"Right..." Rodney said absently, carefully picking through this new minefield of ideas and images, because he was damned sure his head had never, ever been this close to actually exploding before, and he preferred to avoid that if possible. There were dozens of variables in this equation he'd never thought of putting together before, and any one of these new combinations had the potential to turn his world upside down.

The very idea of Carson kissing Radek or John, or of the three of them naked together on one bed, touching each other... You see, right there Rodney was having to consciously refrain from hyperventilating, and now Carson was telling him that he himself might be part of such a scenario. In fact, Carson's words would seem to indicate that the others, Radek and John and Carson, had imagined him similarly -had envisioned him actually being there and watching them, or envisioned John or Radek or Carson watching him with Radek or Carson or John...

And there he was brushing much too close to head-exploding territory again, because the very idea was way too hot and at the same really just a little troubling. Troubling because could he really have sex with three other people at once? Could he be naked in bed with John and Radek as well as Carson and not die of embarrassment? Might he have... those sorts of feelings for John and Radek too, because, now that he thought of it, he might just, and didn't that make him a little weird? And didn't wanting to have sex with three other guys too make him even a little more weird? It was at this point that Rodney noticed Carson softly, and just a little worriedly, calling his name.

"Rodney? Love? Are y'all right?"

"What? Oh, sorry," he murmured. "I just... this is going to take a little while to, um, process, you know?"

"Aye, of course, love," Carson answered right away. "You must take all the time you need."

"What, like, the rest of my life?" Rodney quipped, because when you came down to it, part of him was still marveling, a year later, at Carson's devotion to him, and the idea that he might be deemed worthy of such devotion to two additional people... well it defied logic in his book, but maybe his book wasn't where the answers lay, in this case.

"For as long as that life might be," Carson said, suddenly sober, and Rodney had to kiss him then, and when they'd had enough of that there were other things... and the breakfast dishes lay as they had been left until some considerable time later.

~****~

So the cat's out of the bag now... but Rodney is a cat person, isn't he?