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"Thresholds" Chapter 13
Title: On Thresholds, and Passing Through Them, Ch. 13

Author: Taylor Dancinghands -taylor@willendorphians.com

Category: slash, h/c, foursome, fake character death

Pairings/Characters: McKay/Beckett, Sheppard/Zelenka, and then, Beckett/Sheppard/Zelenka, and then McKay/Beckett/Sheppard/Zelenka, eventually, also passing implications of Teyla/Ronon, and Weir and Lorne appear as well

Rating: NC 17

Archive: Generally yes, but please let me know where

Summary: Rodney McKay's apparent death tears an enormous hole in the lives of many on Atlantis, especially his lover, Carson Beckett. It seems only natural when Carson turns to Radek and John for comfort, even when the three of them grow closer than expected. Then, their new, fragile equilibrium becomes threataned, by what ought to be the best possible news, for Rodney McKay is not dead at all...

Spoilers/Season: Possible minor references to episodes through season 3.


Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, never will, not claiming to. Just wanna play with 'em a little. Can't I, can't I, huh?




On Thresholds and Passing Through Them

by Taylor Dancinghands

Chapter 13


Rodney's return to the labs that afternoon was nowhere near as pleasant as he would have liked, mostly because nearly all of his time was taken up getting briefed on the progress made by the various departments during his absence. What was worse was that a shockingly large proportion of those briefings consisted of various personnel grousing about past decisions that Radek had made which (they insisted) had not served them fairly. It was ridiculous, Rodney thought, that these people actually thought that 1) he'd be so unwise as to undermine his second in command's authority so callously and 2) that he'd actually disagree with the man on something so unimportant as administrative decisions.

Of course he and Radek went at each other regularly about important things, like physics, but about this nonsense? It left Rodney with a deep sense of astonishment at how short sighted a lot of his people were, and it also left him with a headache. When Radek himself appeared in Rodney's office, bearing coffee no less, not ten minutes after he'd harshly dismissed a pair of squabbling particle physicists for the second time, Rodney had to stop himself from throwing himself at the man's feet in gratitude.

"You wouldn't, by chance, be interested in taking my job back, would you?" he asked, head resting in his hands.

"Not a chance," Radek said, setting Rodney's coffee on his desk and sitting down across from him. "Though out of sheer pity, I may be moved to be unnaturally nice to you for the next month or so."

"I figured as much," Rodney said with a sigh, deeply inhaling the aroma of his coffee for a moment before taking the first sip. "But I had to ask."

"Of course," Radek dismissed, sipping at his own coffee. "Think nothing of it." They both savored their drinks for a moment in silence, until Rodney realized that there was likely a reason that Radek was lingering.

"Ah," he said into the silence, having worked out what this reason probably was almost immediately.

Radek nodded. "Carson... happened to mention," Radek said with a slightly pained smile, "something of the conversation you had earlier today." Rodney nodded, leaving his expression as carefully neutral as he could which, to be honest, probably wasn't as neutral as he'd have liked it to be.

"I... I wanted to be sure," Radek said, looking down into his coffee at first, then, with a determined expression, glancing up to meet Rodney's gaze. "I wanted to make sure that this does not come between us, Rodney. I do not know what could be done or said now to make amends if any are needed... but whatever may be needed..."

Rodney cut him off with a shake of his head. "They aren't Radek," he reassured. "You thought I was dead, and for good reason. And you were there for Carson when he needed you, which..." Rodney pursed his lips, trying to find the words that really conveyed what he felt. "I'm incredibly grateful for, honestly."

Everything about Radek's posture relaxed, and Rodney reflected that an upside of being a really crap liar is that when you really are telling the truth, people believe you, even when they might be inclined to be skeptical.

"I am... most grateful to hear you say so," Radek relied. "We had hoped that you would be... accepting about the situation, but not everyone would be..."

"Of course, not everyone is a genius of my weight, either," Rodney said, gleefully smug as he crossed his arms over his chest and sat back in his chair. "But what I'm really curious to hear about," he continued,his smugness quickly dissipating, "is this idea you supposedly introduced while the three of you were, ah, together." Rodney sketched a vaguely circular shape in air to imply that which he was not at all ready to speak frankly about.

Radek colored furiously and stared intently down at his coffee. "Ah," he said. "Yes, Carson did mention that you had spoken of that as well..."

Rodney leaned forward on his desk, arms resting on the surface. "Did you..." he began, "do you... actually want a... a... some kind of... foursome... thing... with... with me? Did you... did you really.. I mean, did you really mean that? And was it just some... some grief thing.. or is there... do you still...? I mean, yes, I am freaking a little... okay maybe a little more than a little... but I think maybe I could get past that, eventually, and so that's why I'm asking because, really, it's not the kind of thing that usually, um, comes up, you know... in my life and I... well I'm finding it a little hard to wrap my head around?"

About the time Rodney ran out of steam he also realized that it might be a good idea to stop now and let Radek actually answer some of the questions he'd asked, so he sat back and looked up from where his fingers pulled nervously at each other on the desk top and cautiously met Radek's eyes.

For his part, Radek's expression seemed to evolve from one of abashed discomfort, to nervousness, to uneasy determination, and eventually his pale blue eyes met Rodney's directly.

"It was, at first, a... 'grief thing', as you have said," he began slowly, picking his words carefully. "But in time, we all began to see that there was more, between us, and that perhaps there always had been." Radek looked down for a moment, fiddling with his shirt cuffs, then brought his eyes up again, and Rodney could not but admire the courage he saw there.

"We spoke of you... of this... notion, only once," he continued. "It was, you will understand, somewhat painful..."

"Yeah, I'm starting to get that," Rodney said softly.

"Yes, well," a ghost of a smile moved over Radek's lips for a moment. "There was also no need, really, once we all knew how we felt, though John and I... we might have spoken of such things before," and Radek frowned as he spoke now, disapproval for his own actions clear in his expression.

"We both knew, I have little doubt, how we felt, though we never, ever spoke of it until... until the day came when we both knew, or thought we knew, that it was all too late." Radek gave a sigh of regret, and then continued. "To know John's true feelings in this matter, you will have to speak to him, but I believe that our mutual feelings... for you, were part of what brought us together. There is more as well, of course, but..." Radek opened his hands on the desk. There it was, they seemed to say.

Rodney was only aware that his mouth had fallen open after several seconds had passed, and he closed it only to open it again a moment later with the intent to speak, though no words at all would come at first.

"Radek," he said eventually. "I... I had no idea..."

"There was no reason for you to have known," Radek shrugged. "You and Carson... it was too easy for anyone to see how... devoted you were to one another. What kinds of friends would we be to intrude upon that, or interfere with it? At best, it would have endangered our friendship, at worst, destroyed both relationships, yes?"

"I... I guess..." Carson had hinted, perhaps, that something like this might have been going on, but to hear Radek speak of it so plainly was playing havoc with the very foundations of Rodney's world. It was as if Radek were telling him of the existence of some completely new sort of physics, where all the rules were different.

"In my country," Radek carried on with a chagrined smile, "we learn to take more lessons from our disasters than our triumphs, as we are having far more of the former than the latter. Once, I would have said that our choice, to keep our feelings to ourselves, to chose the safer course, was the wiser one... but I have taken a different lesson from recent events..." Radek frowned again and dropped his gaze into his coffee cup.

"Thinking we had lost you..." Radek's voice was so quiet suddenly that Rodney had to strain to hear it. "It was very hard, for many reasons... but the regret... for me, that was the worst... It cut like a knife into my heart, to think that you would never know..." His voice trailed off into silence, but the pain that he'd spoken of was clear on Radek's face, even half hidden as it was. They shared that poignant silence for a long moment and then Radek looked up, determination and a touch of fatalism making his eyes almost steely.

"I would not endure such regret again," he said. "So I will speak truth with you now. I do care for you very much, Rodney, as more than a friend, and I have for some time. I most decidedly do not mean by this that we cannot be friends. Your friendship is... it is very precious to me, and I very much hope to continue with it, but I will no longer deny the other things that I feel."

~****~

So very brave, our Radek, but what will Rodney say?