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"Thresholds" Chapter 15
Title: On Thresholds, and Passing Through Them, Ch. 15

Author: Taylor Dancinghands -taylor@willendorphians.com

Category: slash, h/c, foursome, fake character death

Pairings/Characters: McKay/Beckett, Sheppard/Zelenka, and then, Beckett/Sheppard/Zelenka, and then McKay/Beckett/Sheppard/Zelenka, eventually, also passing implications of Teyla/Ronon, and Weir and Lorne appear as well

Rating: NC 17

Archive: Generally yes, but please let me know where

Summary: Rodney McKay's apparent death tears an enormous hole in the lives of many on Atlantis, especially his lover, Carson Beckett. It seems only natural when Carson turns to Radek and John for comfort, even when the three of them grow closer than expected. Then, their new, fragile equilibrium becomes threataned, by what ought to be the best possible news, for Rodney McKay is not dead at all...

Spoilers/Season: Possible minor references to episodes through season 3.


Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, never will, not claiming to. Just wanna play with 'em a little. Can't I, can't I, huh?




On Thresholds and Passing Through Them

by Taylor Dancinghands

Chapter 15


It had been Rodney's intention to head back to his labs after dinner, to get at least a little real work done, when Sheppard button-holed him, and Rodney gave a brief sigh of exasperation as he realized that this was not to be.

Sheppard glared at him through narrowed eyes, taking obviously mock offense. "This wasn't my idea, you know," he remarked. "And if you think I find these sorts of conversations fun..."

"Yes, yes," Rodney said with a wave of his hand, falling into step beside the Colonel as they turned away from the labs and headed instead down a less used corridor, finally coming to a small, out of the way balcony. "It's a well know fact that you are Mister would-rather-gnaw-my-leg-off-than-use-'I-messages'," he said, "so let's get this over with as expediently as possible, shall we?"

"I'm all for it," John said, leaning with his arms on the balcony railings, glancing over his shoulder at Rodney before letting his gaze rest on the moonlit sea.

"Cutting to the chase then," Rodney said, enumerating his points on his fingers and pacing nervously as he spoke. "This morning, Carson and I had a conversation about... certain things, and after that he talked to Radek, and then probably you." John nodded, his eyes still on the distant horizon.

"Following that, earlier this evening," Rodney continued, "I had a conversation with Radek, after which he probably had yet another talk with Carson and, I imagine, with you as well?"

"Yup," said John. Rodney rolled his eyes.

"The critical points which I need to cover with you, then," he went on, "would be that, one, I'm not mad or weirded out or anything about the fact that you and Radek had some... thing going with Carson while you all thought I was dead."

"Good to hear it," said John.

"And two," Rodney was on a roll now. "That I know you may have realized/discovered that you have genuine feelings for the man during that time, but that you're fine with him going back to me now."

"All true," said John.

"And three," Rodney took a deep breath here, because this one was a little more awkward to just blurt out like he'd been doing. "Three... that you've... developed, or maybe always had certain... feelings about, well, about me... but that doesn't have to change anything, and we can still be friends just like always... right?"

"Yeah..." John's answer was more thoughtful this time. "That's... that's more or less the idea..."

Rodney gave up his nervous pacing and came to lean beside John on the balcony, shoulders not quite touching. There was a faint glow on the horizon where, he realized, the second moon was just rising, and the two of them stood in silence as they watched it slowly emerge from the sea. It had become a thin, bright sliver on the horizon, painting a long, glittering streak on the surface of the ocean, when Rodney realized that his shoulder had grown somewhat warmer. John's shoulder, he saw now, had somehow come to press against his, and Rodney knew it was no accident. John was as careful with his personal space as he was with his weapons.

In the absence of words, Rodney had come to appreciate, John Sheppard had a certain eloquence of gesture and body language, and Rodney had come to have an understanding of it, just as Radek had come to understand Rodney's occasional incoherent babbling. They understood those things, Rodney realized, because they understood each other, and recalling Radek's advice about trust, Rodney came to reflect now that it might not be so hard as he'd thought at first.

"There's just a few other, um, points..." Rodney picked up again after a while.

"Yeah," John said, his voice gone a little softer. "I figured."

"Because, you know, Carson and Radek are gonna quiz us later," Rodney pointed out. John chuckled.

"Yeah, you're probably right about that," he said with a wry smile, glancing briefly over at Rodney and in the course of doing so managed to press his body slightly closer still. Rodney got the message, loud and clear, and it helped steady him as he pressed ahead.

"So..." Rodney began, "one of the things that Radek said that I... well, it surprised me... that he said that maybe part of the reason why the two of you... why you're together... is because of me?"

"Yeah..." John said in a slow drawl, half reluctant, half nervous. "Rodney..." John turned at last to face him and Rodney immediately missed the contact at his shoulder, and though he could see John's face now, much of it remained in shadow.

"Okay, yes, that is true," he said finally. "But you know, we never talked about it... and what would have been the point? I'm just not the kind of guy that busts up his friends'... you know, relationships, and after... after, um..."

John trailed off there, looking down at where his hands rested on the balcony railing. "I... I couldn't... I just... I couldn't..."

The words would not come, but they weren't needed. The pain he could not speak of was written all over John's face and it was almost without thinking that Rodney reached out to lay a hand on John's shoulder, gripping it slightly to remind him of his presence.

John's gaze remained downwards, and directed away from where Rodney's hand lay, but he shifted ever so slightly, and suddenly everything about his posture, even the angle at which his head was inclined, spoke of the profoundest gratitude. Rodney understood it as clearly as if he'd been sent a bullet point memo.

"Just... don't ever do that again, okay?" John said, his words quiet, barely audible over the soft white noise of the ocean breeze through the city. "'Cause... I don't know... I don't think..." His voice choked off there, but a moment later he lifted one of his hands and laid it on his shoulder over Rodney's. He continued to stare down at the railing, as though he could not bear to see himself reach for even this simple comfort, but his fingers curled tightly around Rodney's, gripping him with desperate strength.

"Yeah..." Rodney answered him quietly, finding it suddenly very easy to reach across with his free hand and rest his fingers against John's face, lifting it so that their eyes met. John's eyes were a little too bright, and he was biting his lip the way he did when he was trying to keep something inside, and Rodney felt the impulse that had begun with his touching John's face urge him further. He drew John closer, and tilted his own head slightly so that he could touch and soothe those lips with his own, because, Rodney realized suddenly, he just couldn't watch John hurt himself, even in this small way, any more.

There was a moment of hesitation, and Rodney could feel them both teetering on the brink of something, and then John made a soft, broken sort of noise and then they both fell. Suddenly John's hands were clutching at Rodney's head, fingers pressed almost painfully into his skull and Rodney's were fisted in John's jacket, pulling him close with equally desperate strength. The kiss was almost violent, with clashing teeth and bitten lips and seemed to comprise some sort of contest to see who could devour whom first.

When they both failed to do this they fell, spent, hanging on each other and breathing heavily. John's breaths were hard and rough in Rodney's ear, and just a tad uneven, and he could feel John shaking in his arms.

"Hey," Rodney said softly, rubbing John's back and carefully keeping his face turned against his shoulder, so that John could go on pretending that Rodney didn't know he was crying. "Hey, John..."

Slowly, John relaxed into Rodney's embrace and after moment Rodney felt him lift a hand to wipe his face, still hidden from Rodney's view.

"Years," he said when he spoke at last, his voice rough and little more than a whisper. "Years I told myself I could never have this... never..."

"I know," Rodney answered, voice pitched for John's ear only. "I know," and he had, Rodney realized now. Some part of him had known nearly all along and like John, had only been able to think of reasons why it couldn't be. But it could now, it seemed, if he was willing to take the risk...

"And... and maybe you can. Maybe we all can; I just... I have to think about it, okay?"

He heard John draw a long breath and then he pulled back finally, letting Rodney see his face. He had schooled it into some semblance of it's usual cool, though his eyes were a little bright still. "Yeah, I get that," he said. "You should. And if... if it's a no-go... that's okay too, Rodney." He looked up to meet Rodney's eyes directly, so that Rodney could see the determined sincerity there... and something else.

"I still got... well, a lot more than I ever thought I'd get," he said, his smile honest, but also a bit wistful, which was an odd thing to see on John's face. "Might even be considered enough for a lifetime," His gaze dropped as those last words escaped him, as if he thought he'd said too much.

Really though, Rodney reflected, how different was that from what Radek had said to him earlier? "...even if it would be only once... the only time..."

He blinked then, because it finally came to him, all at once, like the metaphorical ton of bricks, how much, how deeply these two men cared for him -loved him- for this was no time to mince words. Looking up at last, he saw that John was watching him, that confident way he did when he knew that Rodney was getting ready to come up with something particularly brilliant.

"I... I get it," he said eventually. "I really do, and I... I want..." but it seemed like jinxing it to say what he wanted... or what he thought he wanted, and Rodney trailed off. Still watching him, John nodded, and Rodney saw that he got it too, and so drew a breath to go on.

"I just want to do this the smart way, right? Make... make sure about... things."

"'Course," John said with a relaxed smile. "Wouldn't want it any other way." There, the laconic drawl was back, which told Rodney, as reliably as anything, that all was well. Rodney grinned briefly in response and then hooked his thumb over his shoulder, indicating the door.

"Listen," he said, knowing it was time to wrap it up. "It's getting late and Carson, you know, wants me to take it easy..." he gave this last bit air quotes and John snickered.

"Sure," he said. "I'll see you tomorrow," and he turned back to the balcony to gaze at the moons. Rodney could not but pause a moment to take in the vision of John's face bathed in moonlight, and the swelling feeling in his heart surged once again, more powerfully than ever. Love, Rodney realized, finally recognizing the feeling for what it was. He'd long ago learned to recognize the love he felt for Carson, of course, but this was magnitudes larger -almost frightening in its scope.

The image of John Sheppard's face stayed with Rodney as turned to go, as did the image of Radek's, his pale blue eyes filled with affection and yearning, and Carson's, his open face and deep blue eyes that spoke so eloquently of understanding and forgiveness. They all three loved him, which was astonishing to contemplate on its own, but now he had to consider the additional fact that he loved all of them as well.

Rodney's feet carried him to the room he shared with Carson without conscious direction, this new astounding truth overwhelming every one of his thoughts. Carson was waiting for him there, asking him something as he came in which came to Rodney only as a vague impression of concern. He thought he might have made some noise in answer, but a moment later, when he felt Carson come to sit beside him on the sofa, he turned to fold the man into his arms as though he were a sanctuary.

To be sure, Carson was a part of the new truth that had Rodney so undone, but he was also blessedly familiar, and part of the old truth too, which this new truth did not necessarily supersede, was that there was no part of himself that he could not trust Carson with. Another part of that old truth was that Carson always, always knew exactly what he needed and now was no different. Carson Beckett's comforting bulk and strength anchored him, kept him from flying apart, kept him safe so he could be free to become lost in his thoughts, and find his own way out.

Safe and cherished in his lover's arms, Rodney set out to do just that, confident, as always, that he would succeed.

~***~

Okay, so who still needs to have a 'talk'? Why Carson, John and Radek, of course...