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"Thresholds" Chapter 17
Title: On Thresholds, and Passing Through Them, Ch. 17

Author: Taylor Dancinghands -taylor@willendorphians.com

Category: slash, h/c, foursome, fake character death

Pairings/Characters: McKay/Beckett, Sheppard/Zelenka, and then, Beckett/Sheppard/Zelenka, and then McKay/Beckett/Sheppard/Zelenka, eventually, also passing implications of Teyla/Ronon, and Weir and Lorne appear as well

Rating: NC 17

Archive: Generally yes, but please let me know where

Summary: Rodney McKay's apparent death tears an enormous hole in the lives of many on Atlantis, especially his lover, Carson Beckett. It seems only natural when Carson turns to Radek and John for comfort, even when the three of them grow closer than expected. Then, their new, fragile equilibrium becomes threataned, by what ought to be the best possible news, for Rodney McKay is not dead at all...

Spoilers/Season: Possible minor references to episodes through season 3.


Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, never will, not claiming to. Just wanna play with 'em a little. Can't I, can't I, huh?




On Thresholds and Passing Through Them

by Taylor Dancinghands

Chapter 17


That was, of course, rather easier said than done, especially when he saw Rodney, seeming so lost within himself, on a daily basis. For Carson, the strangest, most troubling thing wasn't just how withdrawn Rodney had become over the last week, but how, whenever they made love, or spent 'quality time', alone together, Rodney suddenly became the most devoted, attentive partner Carson had ever known.

It wasn't that Rodney was neglecting himself, either. He seemed to understand how important it was to Carson that his lover take as much pleasure in lovemaking as he did. Rodney had never before been quite so... attentive, however, in other things besides sex too. If Carson made a dinner for them, he never came late, didn't spend any part of the meal ranting about how stupid one of his underlings had been, sincerely complimented Carson on not just the food, but the overall setting, and cleared and washed the dishes without being asked. He wasn't quite obsequious -that would have had Carson whisking Rodney off to the infirmary to look for signs of alien influence- but he was attentive to Carson's needs to a degree that many people would have doubted Rodney McKay to be capable of.

As flattered and honestly touched by all of this as Carson was, he had to admit that he was still feeling a bit rattled by recent events, and perhaps that was why some part of his mind just had to put the worst possible spin on it. Rodney must be planning to leave him, it concluded, and this was just his way of trying to soften the blow. The more time went on, the surer Carson was that this was the true explanation for Rodney's behavior. The surer Carson was that he was soon to lose Rodney, the harder it became for him to hide his anxiety from his so very attentive lover, and sure enough, Rodney finally brought it up as they were sitting on the sofa together one evening, watching the credits roll on an episode of "Blackadder Goes Forth".

The self possession to bring the subject up was unusual for Rodney; the bluntness wasn't. "I wish you'd just tell me what's worrying you, Carson," he said without preamble, setting the laptop they'd been watching aside and reaching over to pick up one of Carson's hands.

Carson frowned for a long moment, torn between not wanting to know and wishing to get it all over with. "I... I know you've had a lot to take in lately," he said at last. "And I know we've told you to take your time, but... ye've been so terribly quiet lately, and so... so careful with me... I can't help thinking that you're getting ready to... to do something hard..."

Rodney's brow furrowed, and he gazed hard at the hand he held between his two, as though it were some sort of oracle. Even with his gaze directed so steadfastly downwards, Carson could see the light of understanding dawn on Rodney's face, and it wasn't a happy realization.

"Wait..." Rodney looked up suddenly, releasing Carson's hand to take both his shoulders in an urgent grip. "Wait... you can't possibly be thinking... oh my god you are! You think I'm planning on leaving, don't you? For god's sake, Carson, why would I do that? You... you are without question the absolutely best thing that's ever happened to me in my life, and... and what... you think it makes any difference to me that you slept with my two best friends while you thought I was dead? I'll freely admit to the whole 'bad with people' thing sure, but I'd have to be brain damaged, and I mean badly brain damaged to care about something like that..."

The strident verbal barrage fell on Carson's ears like cool water on parched skin. This was not the carefully attentive Rodney of the last week -who had been nice enough, to be sure- but not the Rodney that Carson Beckett had first fallen in love with. Now, this man here, belligerent even in his affection, acerbic, even in his declaration of love, outraged, even at his most tender -this was the object of Carson's profoundest devotion, and he leaned forward to gather him into his arms. He felt badly about troubling his lover with so many tears lately, but he supposed that Rodney must be used to it by now and so let them fall once again. Rodney, of course, had not yet fallen silent, though his arms had lifted to enclose Carson, and now moved in soothing circles over his shoulders.

"I guess I probably should have explained to you what I was doing," Rodney continued, his voice having gentled somewhat, but not all that much. "I mean, in retrospect I can see how commenting on how extra nice I was being might make it sound like you think that I'm not always nice, which, as we both know, I'm not, so I really wouldn't have minded, but then how could you know that? Honestly, Carson, I was just trying to... to make it up to you for how bad it sucked when you thought I was dead, by being more, um, 'there for you' than I usually am, which, admittedly, is a bit out of character for me, and combined with my, ah, particularly thoughtful mood lately, I can see how you might have drawn a different conclusion than I meant for you to draw... leading me back to how I probably should have explained..."

"It is all right love," Carson finally interjected. "It truly is. I know it was a foolish worry from the start, and Radek and John both tried to tell me so. I should have had more faith." With gratitude, Carson saw that his bout of tears had been a brief one, and he drew back now, to meet Rodney's open, blue eyes with his own.

"But you worry," Rodney said sadly. "I know you do. And you've just had a pretty crappy couple of months. I know that too. I just should have..."

Now Carson cut him off, lifting a hand to Rodney's face to still him. "Ye've given me a wonderful gift, love," he said. "And even if I was a wee bit more worried than I need have been, I wasn't too worried to enjoy it. Thank you."

The kiss that followed came so naturally that neither could have said who had begun it. Bringing their mouths together then was like drawing a breath, Carson thought, and tasting Rodney, immersing himself in the warm, moist textures of Rodney's lips and tongue, was like letting it out. The gathering cloud of anxiety that had smothered him for days vanished like the fog on the highlands when the sun breaks through on a fair spring day, and Carson felt his heart lift with joy.

The whole kiss turned joyful then, and playful, devolving into nips and wet, messy licks on the nose and finally breaking part with soft laughter. Rodney's laughter died off a bit quickly, though, and Carson looked up to see him draw a steadying breath. There was some further announcement coming, that was clear, but there was nothing troubling the brightness of those blue eyes. There was, instead, a sort of nervous jubilation lingering just under the surface of Rodney's expression, and Carson thought to himself, no, it can't be...

"So, um," Rodney began. "Speaking of, ah, John and Radek..."

"Aye...?" Carson hardly dared breath.

"I, ah," Rodney swallowed nervously. "I think, um, that is... I... I want... to, to try, you know... with, with..." Rodney gestured vaguely, "with, um, all of us..." He drew a shaky breath and looked up then, the slant of his mouth clearly expressing the mixture of hope and trepidation he was feeling.

Drawing a breath filled with wonderment, Carson took Rodney's face between his hands and gazed at him with unabashed admiration. "I won't ask if you're sure," he said, smiling with understanding.

"That's probably just as well," Rodney said with a shaky laugh. "I mean, the whole last week I... I've been trying to do a risk/benefits analysis..."

Carson tried and failed to stifle a laugh, and was prepared to feel bad about it until he saw Rodney's self effacing smile. "Yeah, unsurprisingly, that didn't actually result in any useful data at all," Rodney said, a little abashed. "And the only conclusion I can draw is that I can't really know anything until we, ah, just try it... which would be incredibly bad and risky science, but..." Rodney gave a small, resigned sigh, "that's not what this is, is it?"

"No," Carson said with affection. "That it's not, but I do think you've been getting a better feel for it lately."

Rodney nodded, frowning a bit as he pondered. "There was something Radek said a few days ago," he continued after a moment, "about how if we... if we trust each other, there could be less risk of things... things going wrong... and I can't help thinking about how really, really wrong this could go..."

"Aye, they could," Carson answered seriously, "but I'd agree with Radek. It's trust that'll keep things from going wrong, and I do know that's no easy thing for you, love. It moves me more than I can say to see you being so brave."

Rodney gave a hopeful smile in return. "You're right," he said in a quiet voice. "Trusting anyone... it's not exactly been easy for me, but you..." Rodney looked up now, his ordinarily expressive face even more open and vulnerable than Carson had ever seen it. "You showed me that I could... that it could be safe..." Rodney swallowed and looked down again and Carson was powerless to stop himself from pulling the man into a bone crushing hug.

Rodney's embrace was no less forceful, and it was a minute or so before they felt each other relax and knew to draw back just enough so that they could gaze into each other's eyes. "Ye do know," Carson said when he was sure his voice would be steady, "that you can trust John and Radek, aye?"

"Yeah, I do," Rodney said softly, giving an almost shy smile. "And I've been reminding myself that the, ah, benefits side of the equation could be, um, pretty hot." Rodney's smile began to grow into a real grin, and Carson felt one of his own answer it.

"Aye, ye're likely right about that," he said, letting himself speculate as to what Rodney might be imagining.

"We, um..." Rodney began, looking down at where he had taken one of Carson's hands into his own and was stroking it gently with the other. "We kissed... both of us, I mean... me and Radek and then me and John, and it was... it was..." Rodney shook his head and then looked up at Carson, his eyes alight with the passion and desire that the memories clearly invoked. Seeing that, and imagining what those kisses must have been like, Carson felt a warmth grow in him and he reached up to trace with his fingers the lips that his other lovers had kissed.

"Tell me how it was," he said, letting all the growing heat he felt seep into his voice, "to kiss Radek. How did it feel?"

Rodney gazed down, rapt, at the fingers caressing his face, his jaw, his neck. "He... it was..." he said, and then he laughed a little. "It was like kissing a brilliant engineer."

"How's that?" Carson chuckled, grinning as he leaned forward to nuzzle at the spot just below Rodney's ear.

"It... every detail was perfect," Rodney answered finally, clearly enjoying Carson's attentions. "It was elegant... intricate... nothing wasted, nothing left out. It was like Radek."

"Aye..." Carson murmured from the base of Rodney's throat. "I can just imagine it," and he did and the images that he conjured forth fed the growing arousal in him. "Now tell me how it was with John..."

He could feel Rodney draw a breath as he considered his answer, and could not help reflecting on just how miraculous that breath was. "Kissing John..." Rodney began, "was like... like something barely under control, something that could completely blow up in your face if you made the wrong move except that I knew it wouldn't... he wouldn't." Rodney leaned into Carson then, letting his head fall against Carson's chest. "It was like stepping through the gate to Pegasus for the fist time... or like flying."

"Aye," said Carson, walking through his own memories now as he rested head on Rodney's. "That sounds about right..."

"You though," Rodney continued, answering a question Carson hadn't asked. "Kissing you is like... being in the safest place you could possibly imagine... and maybe that doesn't sound like much of a turn-on, but it is, for me. For me, being safe means... it's like I'm really free, like I'm usually not. I don't have to watch my back or worry that something I do or say is going to be used against me... I mean, I don't even have to worry that I'm going to fuck myself up, which, as you are likely aware, I've been known to do."

Rodney tilted his head up so that he could meet Carson's gaze once again. "I mean, think about it," he continued. "You actually keep me safe from me. That's like, a task of virtually herculean proportions, Carson -don't think I haven't noticed that."

"It is nice to know that my efforts haven't gone unnoticed," Carson said with a appreciative grin.

"God, no," answered Rodney, his hands lifting now to caress the side of Carson's face. "When I'm with you, Carson, when I feel that safe... it's like I'm free... to be who I really am, to feel what I really feel..." Rodney's hands guided Carson's face closer, and he complied with joy, though Rodney paused a moment before there lips touched to speak once again.

"It's like freedom, Carson," he said, his eyes so open and blue that Carson's breath caught in his throat. "Kissing you is like freedom."

After that there was no keeping them apart.

Later, Carson would ask himself how he would describe Rodney's kisses, and all he could ever come up with was that Rodney was like a force of nature. Like the very forces and principles he devoted his life to, there always seemed to be something vast and incredibly powerful behind Rodney's kisses, constrained only by the equally powerful laws and principles that kept planets in their orbits and suns from going nova. Though he would never dare say so, part of Carson had always felt that being kissed by Rodney was like being noticed by a god, in being both just a tad frightening, and incredibly flattering, all at the same time.

Certainly, though Carson would never, ever dare say this aloud, Rodney seemed to have the resurrection thing down pat, not that he'd want to see him do it again any time soon. That was what was uppermost in Carson's mind that evening as they made their way, shedding clothing as they went, from the sofa to the bed. Though they'd made love a number of times since Rodney's return from the drowned city, this was the first time that it felt to Carson like he had the old Rodney back -fussy, awkward, voluble and just a bit domineering. He wasn't the most perfectly conscientious lover, but Carson had had that for the last week, and now he just wanted Rodney, and so couldn't have been happier.

He fell asleep in Rodney's proprietary embrace with nothing but joy in his heart, and it was still there, along with Rodney's heavy and over-warm body, when he woke the next morning. There was some anticipatory joy there as well as they got to determining the specifics of how they would arrange their first night as a foursome together, and Carson was hard pressed to stop himself from repeatedly coming around the breakfast table to kiss Rodney, every time he gave that little nervously excited grin. Rodney grinned as they planned what day would be best, and what time, and he grinned as they figured out a menu for the dinner they would begin with.

Rodney's expression slipped a bit more over onto the just plain nervous side as they settled on who would talk to who by way of making invitations. I made the most sense that Rodney would have the best opportunity to catch Radek alone in the labs some evening, and that Carson could easily call John aside for a private chat without raising any suspicions, but Rodney was naturally feeling a bit of trepidation about bringing the subject up himself.

"It's just Radek, love," Carson said as they prepared to part company that morning. "And ye'll only be telling him the best news of his life. It won't matter if you get tongue tied, as he'll be sure to figure it out anyhow."

"Well that's certainly true," Rodney considered, his posture relaxing noticeably as he did. "Hell, he'll probably 'vibe' it off me the second we're alone together. It's sometimes almost scary how he can do that."

"Oh, I think it's quite lovely," Carson said with a mischievous grin. "And just think how handy that will be when we get to have our night together."

"Okay, leaving now," Rodney announced, opening the door. "Before my mind is filled with way too many workplace inappropriate thoughts. This city needs my full concentration if it wants to keep floating, as I'm sure you'll agree, Carson."

"Of course, love," Carson said, smiling into his parting kiss. He was feeling fairly grateful himself, that his staff were so understanding, because Carson was fairly sure, as he slipped on his lab coat and headed out, that this stupid grin was going to be a fixture on his face for very much of the day, and, depending on how things went in a few days, possibly the rest of the week.

~****~

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, next we get to tell Radek and John...